July 16th, Not Just Another Day

Come Monday, it'll be alright...

How I wish that were true today. I miss Jenny so much, and dates keep popping up that remind me of how much I miss her. I think about her life everyday, but certain days just mean more than others - maybe that's why we have a calendar? Maybe the main purpose for the calendar is to remember - it's funny how my brain works (maybe everyone elses works this way too, but I'm only really familiar with mine).

Today, Jenny would have been 46. She would have spent the day with Mason (and managed to squeeze in a few work related phone calls). She would have talked to her closest friends; Elly, Elizabeth, Susan, Cathy, Gini, Tracey, MaryAnn, Julia, Lois, Marie, Aunt Diane and Zenaida. She would have had lunch with her Mama and dinner with Susan and Elizabeth (they had celebrated their birthdays together for...let's just say 30+ years) - Susan's b-day is the 18th. Her father's half-birthday is today, they would have shared the Cinnamon Crunch Cake that Jenny's mom makes. She also would have talked to her brother, Rob - he always made it a point to call. He loved her so much too. Her e-mail box would have been crammed with e-greetings from all over the country - she even had friends in Australia and Mexico (met on our trips) that remembered her day.

At some point during the day, she would have managed to fit me into her schedule, but this day was mainly spent with friends. Jenny was like that, she put friends first - that's one of her qualities I admired most. Jenny and I were complete opposites that way, she had friends from decades ago, and I didn't and don't. Most of my relationships, are her relationships - when I pause and reflect about that, I realize that was a primary reason for my complete infatuation with her. Everyone liked her. She had amazing grace with people, from every walk of her very too short life. I see that quality in Mason, she too has many friends with varying qualities and personalities. It would be impossible to put them all in the same category.

While I'm definitely a better man because Jenny let me into her life, I struggle now. I struggle to find myself - because for so long (and for what I thought would last forever) I counted on her and her relationships to keep me connected to this world. Now I count on Mason for that very thing. I've never been truly comfortable in my own skin, but I could be myself around Jenny. She would let me know when I was wrong, without making me feel wrong. She made me feel comfortable when I was with her. She had so many expectations for herself and Mason and us. The dreams and goals we had were "ours".

I'm trying not to sulk so much, but it is hard. I'm in pain each day...trying to go through this life without my Jenny. Why did she have to die?

Mason and I miss her so much.

Love,
Max & Mason